Lori

Lori, age 47, is a mortgage loan officer. She is married and has one daughter age 13. She lives in Virginia.

What is your first or strongest hair memory?

My mom is a beautician and she had a shop in the basement of our house. I remember sitting in the shampoo chair with my head in the bowl with big bottles of Crème of Nature detangler on the counter. I had a lot of hair and my mother got tired.  She would part it down the middle and make my two older sisters each comb out half of my hair. I remember their whining and complaining.

What is your favorite or best hair memory?

I was about 19 or 20 the first time I got highlights.

What did you learn and believe about your hair from your mother?

My hair should always be neat, combed and well presented. She did not like styles where the ends were out like afro puffs because she said that it dried out the ends and made them split and break. So, my ponytails were always braided or twisted at the ends. She still fusses at me now about my daughter’s hair, and she may be right because my daughter did have split ends.  

What did you learn or believe about your hair from family and friends?

I had “good” hair because it was long and thick. 

What did you learn or believe about your hair from society and the media?

The same as I did from family and friends, that I had “good” hair.  Depending on where I was, society either praised me or scorned me for having long hair. But, either way, I didn’t DO anything, didn’t accomplish anything, didn’t achieve anything to get long hair, it’s just DNA. So, I was praised or scorned for something I had no control of. 

What were your favorite hairstyles in your elementary and high school years?

In elementary school, around 5^th grade, I learned how to twist it in the front with a ponytail in the back. I always did some variation of twists and ponytails. I was not allowed to wear my hair out on a regular day, only special occasions or picture day. It was a big deal when I got the front cut into a bang. In high school, I got my first haircut into a shag or mullet, short in the front and long in the back. 

Were you ever teased or ridiculed about your hair?

No

Were you ever made to feel ashamed or wrong about your hair?

No

Oprah tells a story about losing her hair after a bad perm. Do you have any hair tragedies?

I remember once getting highlights and the roots came out too bright, but that was fixed easily. After I had my daughter I remember combing my hair and watching it come out.  My husband looked at me and said, ‘what’s happening on the side of your head?’ I lost the hair on my temple on one side. Even though it wasn’t a result of something I did, I knew it was natural due to my pregnancy, I did not like it. It grew back but never as thick as before. 

What were your favorite hairstyles in your 20s and 30s?

In my 20s, I experimented with structured styles with a lot of gel, like a high ponytail or a French roll, but I didn’t like them because I didn’t like not being able to get my hands in my hair for days and days. I didn’t like not being able to scratch my scalp and having to stick a rat tail comb in there to scratch it. I thought the styles were cute, but only for special occasions. I started getting color and highlights in my 20s and I still enjoy it. I also liked wraps and doobies. 

Looking back, what is your funniest hair experience? It may not have been funny then, but it’s funny now.

When I was about seven months pregnant, I knew that my time was coming and I would not be able to get out and get my hair done for a while.  I got out of my comfort zone and purchased a custom made wig from another stylist in my usual shop. I paid $150 for a wig that closely matched my style at the time. She cornrowed my hair to accommodate the wig and when she put it on, it was cool.  My husband and I went away for the weekend and we were on a bus with a large group of friends going to our destination. I remember this perfect storm brewing inside of me, starting with feeling claustrophobic at seven months pregnant on this bus. I sat on the inside next to the window, the bus was full, the cornrows pulled on my scalp, the wig was too hot, I had too many clothes on and I couldn’t move! I told my husband to move because I had to stand up. As soon as we got to the hotel, I snatched the wig off and took those cornrows out. I think I just made up a style to get me through the weekend. My daughter is 13 and that wig is still in my closet somewhere. I didn’t get rid of it because I paid too much money for it! After my daughter was born, I bought a clip-on fall which worked better for me because I was able to still comb and brush my own hair.   

What transitions have you been through?

Press n curl, Lustrasilk relaxer, standard relaxer; I got a relaxer maybe three or four times a year. I usually just touched up my edges. Once I started to color and highlight, I gave up the relaxer, so I’ve been natural for about 15 years. With my color, I’ve had everything from dark brown to platinum blonde.  I started noticing gray hair when I was 16, and it’s become more pronounced the older I get. I’m probably about 55% to 60% gray. For me, the color is more important than the relaxer, and the color has relaxed my curl pattern over time.  

Have you made any drastic decisions about your hair? If so, were they tied to anything happening in your life at that time?

Yes, when I turned 30, I cut my hair to chin length. I think that was my ‘I am not my hair’ moment where I needed to make sure that my identity and confidence was not tied to my hair length. I needed to know that  I can be who I am without the hair and that if I choose to grow it back it’s because I want to and not because I need it to define me. I did let it grow back and I was comfortable knowing that I was no different in the world because my hair was short. I cut it again about 6 years ago because I saw a cute bob cut. 

Have you ever allowed your hair to stop you from doing something you wanted to do?

Thinking about this now, I realize that if I need to take professional pictures for my business I will straighten my hair. If I meet with clients for the first time, it’s okay if my hair is in its curly natural state, but they would’ve seen my straight-haired picture first.  I guess my story about that is that straight hair makes me more professional or “mainstreamed”. 

What do you believe about your hair now?

“Good” hair is clean and healthy and that is all.

What is your favorite way to wear your hair now?

I like the flexibility of my natural hair. Right now, I’m enjoying the curly wash and go. Since my mother is a beautician, I was raised in the salon and I learned from her that you respect the skills of a professional. I’ve never done my own hair. I’ve tried to wash and dry and flat iron my hair and I get sweaty, I get neck cramps and it looks like a hot mess. I have no skills, which is why I love the wash and go right now. I like the versatility of longer hair. I like pulling it up or back, curly wash and go or wearing it straight.  I’ve never been very adventurous with my hair other than color. Even though dark brown is the color of my childhood, I don’t love it on me now; with my skin tone and all these freckles on my face, it makes me look like Morticia. I’ve had light-colored hair for so long that when I did go back to brown, my own mother walked right past me and didn’t know who I was. 

Do you currently have a stylist that you love?

For my color and cuts, I’ve been in a committed hair relationship for 30 years with Joie Wallace of Joie Wallace Hair in Hampton.  I drive 1 hour and 10 minutes each way to see her. For a shampoo, dry and flat iron I go to Kira Bell Johnson of So Chic Beauty in Richmond.

What products does your hair love now?

I’m not really loyal to anything. But for shampoo and conditioner, I like cheap, so I use Aussie products and I like Shea Moisture Raw Shea Butter Deep Treatment Masque.

Have you made peace with your hair?

No, I think when I finally make peace with my hair I will let go of the color and be okay with the gray. Right now, I don’t feel that my gray hair matches my age and I don’t want to age myself prematurely 

Thinking about being at peace with hair makes me think of my mother-in-law. She loved the water but never got her hair wet. She rolled it up faithfully every night while watching the stories on her VCR. When she was diagnosed with cancer and started chemo treatments, her hair fell out. Once she was done with chemo, we all went to Jamaica. Her hair started to grow back and it was super fine and super soft and was a beautiful shade of salt and pepper. She got in the water and got her hair wet. She was floating on a raft and I remember for the first time, she was natural and free and enjoying the ocean without any hair baggage. I thought it was the coolest thing. She passed away two months later and I’m so glad she had that experience before she died. 

Any final thoughts?

I’m trying very hard not to give my daughter any hair baggage. I admit that I don’t do her hair very well and I get flak from my beautician mother about it. Her hair is natural and I remember when she was younger I let her wear it loose and my mother remarked that she looked “grown”. I thought about it, she wasn’t wearing makeup and she was dressed like a little girl, it was just that her hair was out. Why is it that little black girls must wear barrettes, braids, pigtails, and ponytails but little girls in every other culture wear their hair out all the time and are not considered to look “grown”? Why do we have preconceived notions about wearing our hair “out”? I’m trying to enforce with my daughter that “good” hair is clean and healthy and give her healthy guidance and direction about her hair without the baggage. 

Thank you Lori, for sharing your HAIRstory!