Danielle, age 35, is a Licensed Social Worker and Therapist. She is single and lives in New Jersey.
What is your first or strongest hair memory?
My mom breaking my hairbrush trying to detangle my hair.
What is your favorite or best hair memory?
I was about 5 and my mom always blow-dried my hair, so I didn’t know what my natural texture looked like. My cousin came over and we were playing in the pool and my hair dried naturally and I was like “what is this and where did these curls come from?!” I did not know that my hair could look like that.
What did you learn and believe about your hair from your mother?
My mother is white, and my father is Black. My mother blow-dried my hair. I guess she thought that because she blow-dried hers, she should also blow-dry mine. When I was little, she did a good job. She loved braids with ribbons and bows. She braided it in an X shape with four braids or what we used to call “the hook”, it was a circular braid around my head. On special days, like picture day or my birthday, she would blow dry it and use a lot of Pink Lotion to manage it so that I could wear it loose. But once I got too old for braids, we didn’t know what to do. For my sake, I think she wished it was easier to manage. Because by then, she would blow-dry it and it would get bigger and bigger! When I was in middle school, she suggested I get a relaxer, but that just destroyed my hair, so I never did that again. My hair was big and poofy, but I wanted it to be curly. My hair was a mystery.
What did you learn or believe about your hair from family and friends?
I always felt that I fit in with both sides of my family. But my hair was the only place where I didn’t fit in with either side. Neither the white side nor the Black side could help me or my mom. My hair was a mystery.
What did you learn or believe about your hair from society and the media?
I remember seeing little to no curly hair representation. I went to a diverse elementary school with Latinos and whites, but I’m pretty sure I was the only mixed-race person there, and no one else had hair like mine. So other girls wore their hair out all the time, but my hair would turn into one big poof. I remember there was one character on Saved by the Bell who had curly hair, but it was tame, and I wished my hair was tame like hers.
What were your favorite hairstyles in your elementary and high school years?
In elementary school, I wore ponytails and braids sometimes with bangs. I called it my cloud bang because it sat like a poof on the front of my head. My favorite days were the special days when I could wear it down. In middle school, I wore big buns and bangs. I layered scrunchies around a bun to make it big and used the curling iron to curl the perfect bangs. I was also a dancer, so I had to wear a bun or French braid. I remember during the summer between middle and high school, I learned I could curl my hair and then use a ton of hair spray to keep the curls in place, no more poof. But I couldn’t do that all the time because of the amount of hairspray I needed. In high school, I realized that I could use the curling iron or flat iron to straighten my hair. I washed it once per week, then spent hours straightening it. It would last a week with curling iron touch-ups in between. I used Queen Helene Cholesterol Cream to help with styling. I wore it curly occasionally, but not often because I felt that it needed too much attention.
Were you ever teased or ridiculed about your hair?
My family made fun of the cloud bang, other than that, I don’t think so.
Were you ever made to feel ashamed or wrong about your hair?
Looking back, I probably felt bad when my mom suggested that I get a relaxer. I know that she just wanted to fix it for me because I was distressed and we didn’t know what to do. Up to that point, she had done a good job with my hair. But I was a middle schooler and very self-conscious, so I got upset when anyone said anything.
Oprah tells a story about losing her hair after a bad perm. Do you have any hair tragedies?
After my one and only perm, my hair just broke off. For my 8th grade graduation, my mom’s friend blew it out and I remember wondering what happened to my length.
Another time, I remember someone recommended a $10 Dominican blow-out place and they burned my hair to a crisp. I had a patch of hair in the back that broke off and took years to grow back. Because of these experiences, I’m very protective of my hair. I keep it as natural as possible, with no color or chemicals.
What were your favorite hairstyles in your 20s?
In college and into my 20s, I was still figuring it out. But I learned that if I used conditioner after a shower, I could wear it curly. Sometimes I put a few braids on the side to spice it up a little.
Looking back, what is your funniest hair experience? It may not have been funny then, but it’s funny now.
My cousin got married and wanted us all to have the same updo. Of course, the stylist didn’t know what to do with my hair. So, she crimped it first and then put it up, which made absolutely no sense. I was in an Asian wedding. I found out in advance that the hairstylists were also Asian, so I didn’t take a chance, I got my hair done in advance.
What transitions have you been through?
Braids and ponytails with ribbons and bows, buns and bangs, straight and now naturally curly.
Have you made any drastic decisions about your hair? If so, were they tied to anything happening in your life at that time?
In college, I cut it to chin length which was drastic for me. It was a curly bob and it had almost an afro shape to it. It was fun and it was a way for me to embrace my Blackness.
Have you ever allowed your hair to stop you from doing something you wanted to do?
When I straightened it, I was conscious of getting it wet.
What do you believe about your hair now?
My hair is a great representation of me. I believe that it’s fun, beautiful, and sensitive, so I need to be careful with it. When I was young, and my hair was thick and poofy I didn’t know what my natural texture was. I know now that my hair is thick and has volume, but the strands are very fine, which is why the relaxer and the high heat from the blow-out salon destroyed my hair. It can’t handle excessive heat or chemicals and requires a lot of moisture. Also, my hair can be different from day-to-day. I may have curls today that I will never see again. Because of my negative experiences with the relaxer, my cousin’s wedding, and the blow-out I believed that Black stylists didn’t know how to do my hair (I never tried a white stylist). But now I know that the race of the stylist is not important, it’s their experience with curly hair.
What is your favorite way to wear your hair now?
Wash and go
Do you currently have a stylist that you love?
I go to Alex at Latins Beauty Spa in Paterson, because he’s excellent at cutting. He does a great blowout without damaging my hair or using excessive heat.
What products does your hair love now?
I love Dr. Miracle’s Leave in Conditioner, it’s not super thick so I can use it every day. I can’t always find it in the stores, so I usually order it. When I’m out of Dr. Miracle’s, I use Shea Moisture Strengthen and Restore Styling Lotion. For washing, I use Shea Moisture Strengthen and Restore Shampoo or Shea Moisture Manuka Honey Oil Shampoo. I love Shea Moisture. I also use Hask Repairing Hair Argan Oil after washing to add moisture to the ends. I made a homemade Indian hair mask from a recipe I found online. It contains coconut oil, castor oil, fenugreek seeds, and curry leaves, but it’s thick so I don’t use it that often.
If you could go back in time and talk to your younger self, what would you tell her about her hair?
I would tell her to put that leave-in conditioner in your hair! It’s made all the difference. My niece has hair like mine, and I told my sister-in-law to use the Shea Moisture for Kids Leave-In and she looks fabulous! Also, I live in a diverse community with a lot of Latinos who have hair like mine. I would tell my younger self to get some hair tips from some Latin women. I don’t know why I didn’t.
Have you made peace with your hair?
Yes definitely. I finally solved the mystery.
Any final thoughts?
It’s important to know your own hair. I spent much of my life not knowing. Don’t stop being curious about your hair. Your natural hair is beautiful! So be beautiful.
Thank you, Danielle, for sharing your HAIRstory!
