Vonda

Vonda, age 56, is a School Psychologist. She is married, and has two sons, ages 21 and 19. She lives in New Jersey.

What is your first or strongest hair memory?” 

I had a lot of hair. So, the two day process to wash and style my hair began at a very young age, maybe four or five. On Friday night, my mother washed it in the kitchen sink and plaited it into four big, bushy braids to air dry overnight. On Saturday morning, I remember sitting in the kitchen next to the stove getting it pressed with the hot comb while watching Soul Train and American Bandstand. If she burned me and I flinched, she got annoyed but “hello?!”.  You just gave me a third degree burn! I call the hot comb a weapon of torture for little Black girls in the 1970s.

What is your favorite or best hair memory?

At the beginning of 8th grade, I got my first relaxer and haircut. I had the Black girl version of the Farrah Fawcett flip. I felt grown up and so happy to be out of ponytails. 

What did you learn and believe about your hair from your mother?

It had to be done! It had to be straight! My hair was long and thick but my mother combed it every single morning before school and work. She did not tolerate messy hair, she called it a “woozy head”, as in “come here so I can comb that woozy head”. There was no braiding the hair and wearing the same style for a week.

What did you learn or believe about your hair from family and friends?

On one hand it was admired, but on the other hand it felt like a burden. 

What did you learn or believe about your hair from society and media?

Hair had to be long, flowy and straight, anything else was unacceptable. I believed that there was no option other than to endure torture treatments, with heat and/or chemicals, in order to force my hair into submission.  My cousins and I tied sweaters around our heads and pretended  it was long, flowy hair like the white ladies in the shampoo commercials. We were unknowingly conditioned at a young age that that was the beauty standard. I wonder where that straight hair standard came from, given that most white people have some type of wave, curl or texture to their hair. 

What were your favorite hairstyles in your elementary and high school years?

In elementary school always ponytails, I can’t say they were my favorite, but I had no choices. They were held together with the elastic ball ponytail holders. I only wore my hair out for picture day. In 8th grade I got my first relaxer and haircut and I experimented with different styles through high school. I always wore it at about shoulder length. 

Were you ever teased or ridiculed about your hair?

In fourth or fifth grade, there was a bully in school who compared my braided hair to a turd, which is funny to me now. Honestly, even back then, the comment didn’t bother me that much. I wasn’t scared of him so I told him to shut up and he did. He bullied everyone and since it was a Catholic school, I think he got kicked out.  

Were you ever made to feel ashamed or wrong about your hair?

Whenever I was out with my mother and we saw one of her friends they would look at me, then look at her with sympathy as if someone died, and say something like, “ooh that’s a lot of hair!”.  My mother would nod and give a look as if to say, “yes, pray for me, girl!”. All the while, I’m standing there feeling wrong for wearing the hair that I was born with. 

After I did the big chop, my mother had a hard time accepting it. She did not like my hair short and natural and would still prefer that I grow it out and relax it. We finally had to agree to disagree because I will never go back.

Oprah tells a story about losing her hair after a bad perm. Do you have any hair tragedies?

After I had my son I lost the hair at both my temples. I knew it was hormonal but it felt traumatic at the time. It grew back but never as thick as before. I remember using ORS HAIRestore Fertilizing Temple Balm.

What were your favorite hairstyles in your 20s and 30s?

My hair was relaxed from ages 13 to 50. In college (it was the 1980s)  I wore a shag, also known as a mullet. I grew it long in the back and would cut the front very short. After college I started working in corporate America so I grew out my shag and transitioned to the bob.  I had every single version of it: long, short, tapered, bangs, no bangs, stacked, layered, curly, straight, parted in the middle, parted on the side, etc. In my 30s, I cut it into a short Halle Berryish style twice and grew it back out each time. I like short hair, but I hated the growing out process.

Looking back, what is your funniest hair experience? It may not have been funny then, but it’s funny now.

The first experience was funny then and now. When I was about 7 or 8, my mother sent me to day camp in the summer. We swam twice a day and I loved it. The weekend before the first day, she washed and straightened my hair, the two day routine. All the girls wore bathing caps in the pool, but we all know that caps do not keep your hair dry. After swimming, I followed all the white girls into the shower and without a second thought, I let the water cascade all over my perfectly pressed hair. For those who do not know, pressed hair and water do not mix! Well, at the end of the day my mother picked me up and I could see her eyes getting bigger and bigger the closer I got to the car. Over the course of the day it turned into two huge puff balls barely held together with ponytail holders. But, I was having fun and had forgotten about it until that moment. When I got to the car, she said, “What happened to YOUR HAIR??!!” . I said, “I went swimming and then I took a shower”. She then says, “you CAN’T JUST take a shower!!!”. Even as a kid, I remember thinking, ‘then what did you send me to camp for??’.  Of course, I wasn’t crazy enough to say it out loud. But I just wanted the same freedom that the white girls had. 

This was funny then and now! My first real job out of college was at an insurance company. I started growing out my shag so that I would look more professional. In order to do that I had to let the top grow out so that I could eventually cut off the back and still have some length, so I had two different lengths at the same time. This was back in the late 1980s and it’s hard to believe now but weaves were taboo. There were quite a few Black women working on the other side of the floor that I worked on. Apparently they started talking about me and saying that I had a weave because of the two different lengths on my head at the time. I was friendly with one of the women and she told me what they were saying about me. She said that she kept telling them that this was my hair but they insisted that I had a weave.  I said, “really?, ok, let’s have some fun”. A little later that day I went to the other side of the floor and said loudly, “ok, who thinks I have a weave?!”. They all nervously looked at each other as my friend cracked up! No one said anything so I said it again even louder, “WHO HERE THINKS I HAVE A WEAVE??!!”. One girl raised her hand as if she was answering a question in class and I said, “do you want to check my hair?” She actually nodded her head yes! So I sat down next to her and let her look through my hair as all the other women looked in our direction. When she was done, I stood up, looked at her with a sarcastic smile and said, “Ok??”. She put her head down and nodded and I could see that she felt so stupid!  My friend could not stop laughing and to my knowledge no one ever talked about me again. But it’s a sad commentary on how we try to pull each other down over hair. So what if I did have a weave!?

This one is only funny now! When I turned 40, I decided that I would cut off all my hair and go natural at 50. I mentally transitioned for 10 years. But at no time did I plan for it. I stopped relaxing it for 6 months prior to cutting it, so I had a lot of new growth. I went to my regular stylist and told her to cut it all off. I walked out of the salon and realized that I had no idea of what to do next. It was like that scene in Sanaa Lathan’s (@sanaalathan) movie, Nappily Ever After (which inspired this blog). My stylist could not help me because she was not well versed in natural hair. I remember walking around the natural hair section of Target like a poor lost soul.  For the first few months, I was a mess because with the exception of putting it into a ponytail in elementary school I had never worked with my natural hair. My best friend referred me to her stylist, who I still go to. I’m sure she felt sorry for me. Looking back, trying to come up with a plan may have caused me to not cut it off because it would’ve been too much to think and worry about.  

What transitions have you been through?

Straightened with the hot comb at a young age; a relaxer at 13, I wore it relaxed for the next 37 years until the big chop at 50. I cut it all off and grew it back twice in my 30s. 

Have you made any drastic decisions about your hair? If so, were they tied to anything happening in your life at that time?

Yes! The first time I cut it all off was when I left my job at the insurance company to begin my school psychology internship. The second time was after I had my first child. At 50, I did the big chop and went natural. 

Have you ever allowed your hair to stop you from doing something you wanted to do?

Swimming! I learned to swim as a child. I didn’t swim for almost 40 years because of my hair. I got in the water but didn’t get my hair wet. One of the reasons I did the big chop was so that I could get back in the pool. I joined a gym and swam about once a week even in the dead of winter before Covid. It’s the best exercise and I love it.  I can’t wait to get back in the pool. 

What do you believe about your hair now?

My hair is beautiful in its natural state. I have the best corkscrew coils that I never knew I had. I’ve always wanted wash-and-wear hair, as evidenced by my day camp experience. However, I truly believed that as a Black woman I could not have that! How ridiculous! I absolutely love my hair. I say that real freedom is no hair and no periods. I love being free. 

What is your favorite way to wear your hair now? What is your hair care routine?

A short wash and go. I cut it about every 3 months, during quarantine I pushed it to 4 months. I wash and condition it once a week, usually on a Sunday evening. I put a little coconut oil in it while it’s still wet and let it air dry. In the morning, I wet it in the shower and put products in it to enhance the curl, which usually lasts 2-3 days. Sometimes I think about letting it grow out or getting braids, but when I think about the money and time, at this stage of my life, I can’t be bothered. Occasionally, I’ll dye it for a different look. 

Do you currently have a stylist that you love?

Suzanna Dunn (@dunnsuzanna) taught me how to care for and style my natural hair.

What products does your hair love now?

I have no loyalty to shampoos and conditioners. I rotate through about three at any time and I buy whatever is on sale. I don’t notice a difference between a $3 shampoo and a $13 shampoo.  Sometimes, after shampooing,  I do an apple cider vinegar rinse which is one part vinegar and two parts water followed by a deep conditioner. For styling, I like Cantu Shea Butter Smoothing Leave-in Conditioning Lotion and Define and Shine Custard; Wet Line Xtreme Gel; and Luster’s Pink Short Looks Gel ‘N.

If you could go back in time and talk to your younger self, what would you tell her about her hair?

I would tell her that her long, thick hair is absolutely beautiful and that it’s a blessing. So many girls would’ve loved to have all that hair, but I always felt that it was a burden to me and to anyone who had to care for it so I was ready to cut it off and relax it. 

Have you made peace with your hair?

Yes, I love my hair. I’m free. I will never grow it out or relax it ever again. Just thinking about all the money and time I spent in the salon on relaxers and all the time I spent at home, washing, wrapping, drying and hot curling, makes me shudder. 

Any final thoughts?

Growing up, I felt as if I didn’t have many choices when it came to my hair. I thought the hot comb and the relaxers were my only options. I truly believed that as a Black woman I could not wear my hair naturally as it grew out of my head, as if my natural hair was unacceptable and offensive!  I love that we have options now! Natural, relaxed, braids, bald, locs, weaves, wigs, short, long, blonde, pink, purple, do you! And if you don’t like it, do something else!

Thank you for reading my HAIRstory!