Shirley

Shirley, age 49, is a Child Welfare Agency Supervisor. She is married and has two sons, ages 18 and 15. She lives in New Jersey.

What is your first or strongest hair memory?

I always thought hair was overrated. I went to an all girls’ Catholic high school and I remember all the Black girls always picking hairstyles out of magazines and going to the salon. It seemed as if everything was done around hair. 

What is your favorite or best hair memory?

The first time I got a relaxer, my mother’s beautician did it.  I was 14 and I felt like the last teen to get one. My mother was hesitant because I had alopecia areata (an autoimmune disorder that often results in unpredictable hair loss), which caused a few bald spots. But, I had long, thick hair so the spots were covered. 

What did you learn and believe about your hair from your mother?

I learned that my hair was long, strong, and thick and that I should take care of it. She didn’t have long hair, she always said that I got it from my father’s side of the family. My paternal aunt had hair halfway down her back. My mother’s hair was healthy but it wasn’t thick or long, so she did all she could to take care of my hair.

What did you learn or believe about your hair from family and friends?

The same as I learned from my mother, it was long and thick, and don’t let anyone touch it.

What did you learn or believe about your hair from society and media?

Your hair had to be done, which meant “fried, dyed and laid to the side”.  When it came to hair, you had to be “on”, meaning it had to be done.

What were your favorite hairstyles in your elementary and high school years?

In elementary school, I wore three ponytails, two in the front and one in the back. Because of the alopecia, I had three bald spots and that style covered them. I went to a dermatologist for scalp injections and as a result, my hair grew back in those spots. In high school, I remember my brother got married and I got it cut into an asymmetrical bob, with one side shaved. I came home and my mother just looked at me. 

What were your favorite hairstyles in your 20s and 30s?

In my 20s, my hair was relaxed and I wore it flipped up in the back or curly in a banana clip. After having my children in my 30s, the alopecia returned and it was much more aggressive. My hair was still long on top but there was nothing on the sides or in back. I wore half wigs. Finally, at the age of 39, my husband convinced me to shave it all off. That was a hard decision, he told me that he would shave his head too, but I didn’t let him. He cut off my long ponytail, that I saved, and then shaved it all off. I cried and cried because I felt that I was losing a part of myself. 

Were your ever teased or ridiculed about your hair?

When I was 10 or 11, one of the boys on my block saw one of my bald spots and teased me about it.

Were you ever made to feel ashamed or wrong about your hair?

As a child, I felt ashamed because of the alopecia. I remember thinking “why me”? When I went to the dermatologist I didn’t see any other Black people there, which led me to believe that no other Black people had this problem. The doctor had a terrible bedside manner.  He gave me steroid injections in my scalp and it burned. My mother always told me that afterwards she would take me for ice cream or give me $5.

Oprah tells a story about losing her hair after a bad perm. Do you have any hair tragedies?

Just the alopecia, after the injections my hair grew back and I had no problems until my mid to late 20s and then again after I had my children. 

Looking back, what is your funniest hair experience? It may not have been funny then, but it’s funny now.

The alopecia returned in my mid to late 20s. The bald spots were smaller but more numerous. I knew what to do. I went back to the dermatologist and I was getting myself mentally ready for those injections in my scalp. This time the doctor suggested I try Rogaine for men. So I started using it and my hair started growing. But one day my roommate looked at me and asked me what was wrong because I was growing sideburns! I looked like Teen Wolf! I had to shave off my sideburns!

This one was funny then and now. I remember it was Mother’s Day and I was going to church. I wore a wig and a hat. Why? I don’t know because I’m not really a hat person. The hat was pinned to the wig. I was completely bald underneath, because I was not ready for my truth to be told. When I turned to get out of the car, the hat hit the door and it all came off.  No one saw it, but it was still funny.

Have you made any drastic decisions about your hair? If so, were they tied to anything happening in your life at that time?

Letting my husband shave it all off. I was tired of wigs, they were hot and sweaty. He was so supportive, he told me that I had a pretty head. I remember thinking, “I am never going outside like this”. I didn’t think I had the strength to do it. My husband encouraged me, telling me I looked beautiful, and offering to take me out. It took about a month or so, before I finally agreed but I suggested we go to New York, where I knew I would fit in. We got in the car and our neighbors saw us and I thought I was going to die. The wife came over, looked at me, and told me that I looked beautiful. I still wasn’t ready, but instead of going to New York, we went to a restaurant in New Jersey. I ordered a drink and the server asked for ID, then I thought, “I could get used to this!”. I was still very nervous and I knew my biggest challenge would be going to work without my wig. I remember on the first day, it was time for me to leave and I literally froze. I called my friend/co-worker to talk to me because I was so scared. She encouraged me and told me that I could do it and talked to me all the way there. I went into the building and entered my office. Every person did a double take, but I got so many compliments and positive reactions that I knew I was okay. About six or seven years ago, I changed my profile picture and again, most reactions were positive. Although, I did get a couple of messages asking if I had cancer. After that, I wore wigs in the winter but when the weather was warm, I was free. Now, I can barely remember the last time I wore a wig.

What transitions have you been through?

I wore a press-n-curl until I was 14 and became a Dark and Lovely girl. I wore my hair relaxed and cut it into different styles until the alopecia returned.  Even with the alopecia, the sections where it grew were long and thick. When the alopecia returned, I stopped relaxing it and started wearing wigs. I would brush the front and tie it down to get the hairline in the front. I also braided it under the wigs. I went eight years without a relaxer until my husband shaved it off. 

Have you ever allowed your hair to stop you from doing something you wanted to do?

No 

What do you believe about your hair now?

That my childhood belief that hair is overrated is so true. It’s almost ironic that I believed that as a child because who knew that I would be here now with no hair. 

What is your favorite way to wear your hair now? What is your hair care routine?

I love it bald because it’s very easy. I still have very fine hair growth, so I use Nair to take it all off. 

Do you currently have a stylist that you love?

No, she is me.

What products does your hair love now?

I wash my scalp with the same products I use to wash my body. I use coconut oil to moisturize. 

If you could go back in time and talk to your younger self, what would you tell her about her hair?

I would tell her that you are right, hair is overrated, and you are beautiful with or without.

Have you made peace with your hair?

I absolutely have. I’m so much more versatile now. I can wear a wig, hat, scarf or nothing.

Any final thoughts?

Don’t allow anyone or any circumstances to hold you back. I overcame the biggest obstacle of my life. Once I accepted it, it was the most freeing thing ever.

Thank you, Shirley, for sharing your HAIRstory!