Toni

Toni, age 53, is a writer of television, screenplays, and novels. She is married and lives in California.

What is your first or strongest hair memory?

I was in elementary school and I begged my mom for an afro like my classmates. My hair was long and limp, no not limp, it was soft, I’ll use positive terms. It was long and soft, and would not hold an afro. My mom and dad picked it out but it just flopped.  I remember walking to school and feeling it flop. When I arrived at the playground, the girls looked at it and said, “what’s that style?”. I said “it’s an afro” and they laughed and said, “no, it’s not!”. They had strong coarse hair that could support their afros. My hair didn’t pan out like an afro, and my parents didn’t do anything to enable me to have an afro. They said, “well you just ain’t getting no afro!”.  I remember praying for an afro! After I completed cancer treatment, my hair grew back and I was able to get my first afro and I remembered that 40+ years ago I prayed for an afro. I realized that you may not get what you ask for when you ask for it, but when you do get it, you must remember that you did ask for it. So, when I was down on myself about my hair growing back after chemo, I remembered 40+ years ago I asked God for an afro.

What is your favorite or best hair memory?

I’m having it now.  It took me 52 years to get to the point where my hair actually reflects how I feel about myself. It’s the exact color that I’ve wanted for the last five years. This is the first time in my life that I’ve embraced everything about my hair and  I love it.

What did your mother tell you about your hair?

Even present day I must use grease, she was obsessed with grease! I stopped relaxing with chemicals 20+ years ago and even though my hairdresser pressed my hair, she never used grease because it would be too greasy and oily, which is what I remembered as a kid. My mother felt my hair was hard to manage and I needed grease. Finally, in my 30s I insisted that my mother could not press my hair with grease, she agreed and it came out great.

What did you learn or believe about your hair from family and friends?

That I have “good” hair and I messed it up when I got a relaxer. My friends always admired the texture and the softness of my hair.

What were your favorite hairstyles in your elementary and high school years?

In elementary school, I loved Shirley Temple curls. In high school, I loved my feathered cut. There was one hairdresser, Judy, who could cut my hair, many couldn’t because of my soft texture.

At what age did you start doing your own hair?

In high school, I was about 14 or 15, and I wasn’t that good at it. My mom indulged me and allowed me to go to a  hairdresser.

Were you ever teased or ridiculed about your hair?

Definitely in grammar school when I tried the afro, and whenever I was involved in sporting activities because I sweat in my scalp, and it would revert back to its natural curly state.

Were you ever made to feel ashamed or wrong about your hair?

No

Oprah tells a story about losing her hair after a bad perm. Do you have any hair tragedies?

I got relaxers, but my scalp was too sensitive, so I got sores on my scalp. I once had long, beautiful braids put in, but I had no experience taking them out. Normally, I washed my hair in the shower and used conditioner to detangle and that worked for me. But when I tried that after I took the braids out, I didn’t realize that there was still fake hair mixed with my hair. I washed and conditioned it, but the heat of the shower combined with the product made the fake hair melt into my hair.  It got matted and it took my mom two hours to comb it out, and I lost a lot of hair. My hair stylist put me in a protective ponytail for six weeks.

What were your favorite hairstyles in your 20s and 30s?

In my early 20s, sharp cuts and people would look at it and say, “dang!”.  From my late 20s to early 40s, I had a long bob. In fact, my nephew said, “Aunt Toni been wearing that bob for 20 years”. I always thought I looked better in long hair, but now  I know I tied that to my weight. I gained weight and I felt as if I had to defy the stereotype of the black, fat girl with short hair.

Looking back, what is your funniest hair experience? It may not have been funny then, but it’s funny now.

Matting after the braids,  WTF! Who does that? It was ridiculous.

What transitions have you been through?

Press n curl and a relaxer at 14 until my 30s. My sister told me I didn’t need a relaxer and she was right. When in Los Angeles,  I saw sisters with beautiful hair, and I asked: “what relaxer do you use?”. And they replied, “it’s not a relaxer, it’s a press”. So I asked, “what’s a press?”. A press is a wet set followed by a quick comb through with a hot comb. I started going to their stylists and I noticed it lasted in LA because there is no humidity. When it was time for me to leave LA to return to the east coast, I requested a relaxer and my stylist said, “I’m not relaxing your hair, if you come to me regularly,  I can get you out of this relaxer and your hair won’t break. If you want a relaxer you’ll have to go somewhere else”. I trusted her and it grew longer than ever before. I learned that relaxers retarded my growth. I remember she found some bald patches on my scalp and I started getting injections from a dermatologist. My hair grew to my elbow and it set the stage for me to embrace my hair in its natural state. I remember my hair was beautiful, I took pictures and then, six months later I was diagnosed with cancer. After my first chemotherapy treatment, I went to an Orthodox Jewish wig store and tried on a $6,000 wig that was the same style that I was wearing. My insurance provided compensation for a wig.  Even though it was covered, for some reason I said “no” to the wig. After my second chemo treatment, my hair started coming out in clumps, my stylist cut it, and I found out that the bald patches that I was getting injections for can be a telltale sign of cancer.  Shortly after, I got really sick and I was hospitalized. After my third treatment, my husband shaved my head. I didn’t cry, it wasn’t dramatic. IT WAS ONLY HAIR! I WANTED TO LIVE!  I couldn’t wear wigs because they irritated my scalp, so I was really glad that I didn’t get that $6,000 wig. I could only wear scarves. Then once I was done with treatment, it looked like my hair wasn’t going to grow back and I accepted that  I would just be bald. I became free and realized that hair is not that big of a deal when you’re talking about your life! There was a class action lawsuit relating to the type of chemo that I had. The lawsuit stated that it would cause permanent baldness. I didn’t get involved in it, I didn’t want my energy to go there. After all of that, I never allowed my hair to hold me back. I’m free!

Have you made any drastic decisions about your hair? If so, were they tied to anything happening in your life at that time?

After chemo, it started growing back and it was tight and curly. I called my stylist for a cut because it was wild and shapeless. She did not want to cut my hair, she was more ridiculous about my hair than I was! The week before my appointment, she sent me a picture of the cut I have now. I loved it and told her to do it. She was hesitant and I said “you’re not gonna punk out right?” and she said, “no”. So I go in, and she cut it and I said: “I love it!”.  She blew it out but I knew it would revert, so I took pictures because I felt so good. I posted them and so many people told me that I looked ten years younger! I always thought long hair would make me look young, but I attribute it to looking fresh and confident. My confidence level went off the Richter scale and I vowed not to go back to long hair because I don’t have to.

What do you believe about your hair now?

That it’s beautiful, pretty, strong, whimsical, flirty, magnanimous, it’s my crown.

What is your favorite way to wear your hair now?

Natural and curly, I get up, put on some product, run my fingers through it and keep moving. I don’t want to press it any longer, I’ve embraced my texture, I can’t fuss with my hair like that anymore. Once you know that you’re free and you’re fly, why go back to all that work? Girl bye! Girl bye!  When I walk the red carpet, maybe I’ll press it, but on an everyday basis I’m fly and I’m free. What I love now is my color, that’s important to me, but not length.

What are some of the products that your hair loves now?

For washing, conditioning and styling, shampoos without sulfates, I love As I Am Coconut Co-wash, Chi Keratin Mist Protein, Mark Anthony Strictly Curls Curl Defining Lotion and Strictly Curls Curl Enhancing Styling Foam Extra Hold . On a daily basis, I use Shea Moisture Coconut and Hibiscus Curl and Style Milk and Coconut and Hibiscus Hold and Shine Moisture Mist .

Who is your main stylist now?

Lisa Luke Pearson in LA

Have you made peace with your hair?

Yes! I love her! She is part of my identity. She also has an identity of her own. She’s a true reflection.

Any final thoughts?

I’m so grateful for how I’ve been able to enfold my hair into my identity and how it is a reflection of my feeling great about myself. It took 53 years, but thank God, she is really my crown. And, it’s not predicated upon any contingency about a husband, child, parent, or anyone else,  she’s all me. Amen.

Thank you, Toni, for sharing your HAIRstory!